The bruising will shatter.
The bruising will shatter into black diamond.
No one will sit beside you in class.
Maybe your life will work.
Most likely it wont at first
but this will give you poetry
from Poetry by Yrsa Daley-Ward.
So here is the thing. I am weird. In fact I am very weird.
I cry at weddings even when I do not know who was getting married. I cry when babies do cute things. That is a recent thing though, I have no idea where that one came from. I cry when I am angry. I cry when something makes me laugh especially when it has been a minute since I actually felt that joy so good you can feel it in all your nerves. I cry when I am stressed. I cry when I am overwhelmed- for this I reference my final year Undergraduate Research Project. Enough said. Also I cry on my period. Now that is the crazy one because at that point anything can have me on full out torrent of tears mode- even chocolate. Chocolate, certain times a month can send me into a full out storm. Can you imagine that?
And well I used to feel that this was something to be ashamed of. Pre-puberty I thought my sadness was something to be ashamed so I’d cry and feel bad about it and then cry some more because I feel bad. But then puberty happened and the fear about feeling things got worse so I learnt not to cry in public which made me sort of hide it by this glass wall of nothingness. Which isn’t exactly a good thing because that made me very snappy. You can only hide behind glass walls for so long after all.
But then the beauty about growing up is the knowledge of self I have gained over the years.
Post puberty I have become aware of the things that make me cry. And as the days pass I am starting bit by bit not to be ashamed of them. See, I feel things way too much.That is just how I was wired. Also I am a leo. We are the kings of feelings. Literally. I am affected by negative things. I feel the sadness and have this tendency to smell it and live it from miles away even before it lands. I feel anger. I feel envy sometimes and I also feel insecurity a lot of the times. And these make me cry because they are bad energy and the thing about bad energy is that it needs to be let out.
But then I also feel happiness. I get excited about things way before they happen and I am over the moon. And then when happiness finally comes, MY GAAD it is unbelievable. Sometimes I even lack sleep because I am just up basking in the beauty of that joy. And most times I smile. I smile a lot and I get jumpy- some one told me I am like a bunny on steroids because of how I jump all over the place. And I love that feeling when I I get to let the sunshine out. Because positivity is good energy and good energy is uncontainable.
And then sometimes I am just numb. And maybe sometimes the numbness is because of not fully allowing myself to release the bad energy or to bask in the good energy. And that is not okay because these emotions were put inside me so they can be felt. In feeling them is the opportunity to let go and letting go creates that lightness needed to move on with life and continue enjoying it.
I am at this point where I am aware that being an adult sucks. I hate the responsibilities and having to act some way just because it’s the right thing to do. I honestly miss that ability to do whatever the fuck I want just because I am child and whatever! But my favorite part about being an adult is this knowledge of self I keep gaining. As I get older I am aware of how I feel. I may not fully understand why I feel it but I know. And now that I know I am not scared of feeling the way I do. In fact I am learning to be proud of this ability to feel things a little more than everyone else. Lately I have been rocking it. I am a writer and I have realized that part of the reason why this writing thing works for me is that I get to express these very intense feelings. And after taking my writing a bit more seriously this year, I now know that some of my best work comes from that very intense place of writing. So watch this uber-emotional space. That Caine Prize story is just hidden there waiting to be uncovered and I cannot wait to find it.
I am also learning to protect my energy and the people I let near it. Not everyone will understand it or embrace it. Some people are in your life for a season and others for a reason and there is nothing wrong with letting go of those whose energy seems to conflict with yours. It is not because they are bad people, it’s just because at that time their energy just wasn’t working with yours. I believe time works everything out and if they are truly meant to be in your life then maybe just maybe their energy in its right form will find its way back to yours.
Anyway enough about that. This entire post was inspired by the movie Inside-Out. It is an animation which (and this is no surprise) had me bawling. By the way thank you Maybelline, my mascara actually stained my pillow case, I should claim a refund because isn’t this shit meant to be waterproof? But I digress. Sorry. See I write a lot about depression and feelings because for me those phenomena are very real. Depression is a fight I know too well and though I know I have won the war, the battles can take their toll. So without divulging too much let me end this by saying that if still you do not understand the concept of some people having days when it takes a little extra effort to get themselves out of bed every morning, well this movie breaks it down in a manner I think even a 10 year old can understand. And also if you are at that point where the Depression Struggle is a little too real, well Baby it is for a season. And this movie will help you understand more and more importantly it may just give you that reassurance to let you finally soak it in and stop fighting it because if you just let the storm pour for just a minute, the sky will clear up and you will be okay. So sweetie watch it too.
Also if I wasted your time making you read the preceding 1000 words because they do not make sense to you at all, well watch it too. I guarantee you will laugh once or twice.
Basically everyone should just watch the damn movie.
Finally I understand a little more about why I cry. And I understand why for there to be happiness, sadness must prevail. I still do not understand why babies doing cute shit makes me cry. Or why a Hershey’s Cookie and Cream Bar makes me cry on my period. But well each day is a learning experience. We will figure it out one sweet day. Most importantly I am learning that at the end of it all, I will be okay.
"Take this good advice
If they're gonna judge you for life
Say we can't always be fly
We gon' be good long as them sneakers white
You'll be alright
Said you'll be alright
Said you'll be alright
Said you'll be alright"
The White Shoes- Wale
Image from Google Images
