Thursday 25 February 2016

YES

So the post below first appeared on this blog as my submission for the Muwado Love Letter Challenge 2 (although I gave it a different title). I read the posts for last year and though I'm late I felt like I had to participate.
Also if you are a writer I dare you to write something on this subject too.
(you can read more details here) And drop a comment of the link, I would love to read it.

Love and Sunshine ❤❤,
Meg.

YES.

The reason I choked on my cup of green tea that time was because when I saw that black velvet box in your palm all that came to mind was how the odds are not in our favor. They probably never have been.
There is no way you expect me to compete with the average lady from back home with a behind that would put a Kenyan socialite to shame. Neither can I throw it down in the kitchen. And I am not anywhere close to fully learning how to. I am not submissive either. I have no idea what that word means and neither does pretty much every other educated feminist lady that I know. The ones in my circles anyway. We are too independent for that nonsense.  We know how to look pretty. We know how to cuss the fuck out of random men who ogle at us as we walk by. We know how to demand for what we want but that “s” word, that is a concept foreign to us. So by the time you are introducing me to the family, I can imagine the glances of disapproval coming from every one. They’ve heard about these dangerous Nairobi girls. They sent you to get an education. You did come back with a degree. And a girl who can barely speak her mother-tongue let alone cook a nice hot plate of Ugali for a large crowd of potential in-laws.
They will probably wonder why out of every single possible female, you landed on me. I don’t have super model looks although I am tall.  I don’t have one of those classy jobs. I spent 4 years pursuing a degree in Commerce only to end up with the job title blogger. Of all the things I could be I chose to be that one that sits at that one corner in Java and bangs the keys on her laptop for a living. I know you have no problem with this. You support me and even help me because in this field at times I find it hard to pay my bills but I can already hear your family asking when I will get a real job.  They will see me in all my black lipstick and nappy 4C hair glory and judge me so badly.
But that’s not the only problem we shall encounter.
My family will think I have lost my mind. It wasn’t enough I decided to cut my hair and say I will not be pursuing that MBA after graduation, I decided to be the one that brought a Ugandan home.
They had plans. My father was a well-connected man. I’m sure they had envisioned a grand wedding to some politician or businessman’s doctor/lawyer/architect son who at the very least was from the same tribe. So when I tell them I decided to cross the border and choose one from your side of Lake Victoria, they will be mad. Scratch that. They will literally burn with anger. And you will probably know why my people are known for their hot tempers.
What you will see are the disapproving looks. What you will not hear are the constant talks and phone calls from my aunties and uncles telling me how these inter-tribal/inter-nationality marriages never work. Another new day will bring another new list of excuses why I will suffer at the hands of my foreign in laws and they will never stop. Because in their world, love doesn’t conquer everything.
But in mine it does.
It’s the reason we already got through all the bullshit we have already dealt with right from those days when my biggest fear was you finding out what I did or did not do that time I went partying with that one crew you cannot stand to up to now when our worries are so much bigger.
Like how they could sabotage this by making me believe we are totally incompatible.
Our personalities are too strong. And that is an issue. Or it might be.
You are a leader, the ever in control Scorpio and I am the classic Leo that does not known how to share the spotlight. I am anti-social, insanely introverted and basically I just do not like talking to people unless they belong to the exclusive circle that is my pride. You on the other hand, know how to make friends with everyone everywhere you meet. The idea of socializing and small talk makes sense in your world but never has in mine.
Until I met you.
And I guess if I was ever to pick somebody to forever bitch to about who will be implicated next in the controversial NYS saga I’d still pick you. Because with you, those conversations always had me yearning for more.  Remember how these meaningless chats with you became my favorite thing to do when it turned into you becoming one of the few and avid readers of my blog?
I am insecure. That isn’t anything new.  I have never wanted anyone close to me to read my work but even now you are the only one I trust enough to email my pieces even before I deem them fit for anyone else to read.
You are still also the only person in my immediate circles whose opinion can make me publish or trash a post so my dear I cannot let them take you out of the equation that is my life.
Without you I don’t have an editor. And reader. And life partner.
Besides, I am a very needy individual and I shamelessly admit that I need you around to remind me I am kind and smart and important. To laugh at those memes based on this because where else will I find a guy who reads everything so he’d get the reference I just made?
But more importantly I need you because you do not expect me to go back to a life without you. You know way too much. I can’t have you loitering around with that kind of ammo. It’s either you are living with me or you are not living at all. This isn’t a threat, my dearest. Well it is. A serious one actually. I know you share the same sentiments. Even your best friends do not know some of the information I have about you so we could say our secrets bond us either way.
So why don’t we do this and just piss off a lot of people?
Kabiite wange, I know the first time you asked all I did was cry but I love you.
My answer is yes.

Wednesday 3 February 2016

For an angel called L.


To a beautiful girl born on the second day of February- 

Good evening beautiful,
I am still feeling like the 22 successful trips I have made around the sun are way too many but then here you are and you have barely even finished your first. My dear you have such a long way to go. Barely a full day old and yet you are already making headlines. A couple of Instagram collages have been made in your honor. People oceans away from us already knew about your arrival even before you opened your tiny little eyes. You are new. So new. But that certainly does not stop the world from treating you like the being made of flesh and blood you are. Already filling you with expectations and you barely even know what you expect from this life. But child, don’t worry. That is just how we survive here. We work. You are already working. In order to be fed, they expect you to cry. And crying, loud enough so that they reward you with what you want is effort in itself. But my darling that is just the beginning. And the thing is it never stops. Until the day you just as dramatically as you entered this place you leave, you will have to work. It’s the only way to get what you want. And you will want so many things. But the good thing is you will get them. If you work. So be ready to do it. Do it hard. It will pay off. Just like it is already starting to every time you cry and someone is by your side ready to nurse you or change you or just make you comfortable. Because comfort is sacrifice.
But I’d be lying if I told you when you work you will always get what you want. In these streets, some people get what they want by sabotage. They will sabotage your dreams by telling you they are not worth the effort. They will sabotage the steps you make. Sometimes you will not even know it but somewhere out there is somebody praying for your downfall thinking it will make them rise higher. You have got to learn not to give those people your energy. Because even before you complete your first revolution around the sun, they will be waiting praying you will not hit your development milestones in time. Or praying your parents aren’t able to give you the best they can. But my darling, they will only ruin you if you let them. You have got to learn to say no to the nonsense. You have got to learn how to focus on your life and what you are doing. But most importantly baby you have to learn to not add to that noise. Being negative won’t take you further but it will hold you back. Saying a word of encouragement to your fellow humans won’t make you attain your goals any faster but it will certainly move a person in that right direction. And there is no greater joy than seeing someone who deserved it excel and knowing you were a part of that. And when you find a bunch of humans whose success and happiness matters to you more than your own, don’t let them go. Be there for them. Be there with them. Such humans with souls as kind as I hope yours will be are rare gems. Don’t ever let them go. Don’t ever let them go without them knowing how beautiful they have been in your life. 

You are a woman. In training. One day you will be a woman. And this my love will be your greatest gift but your biggest undoing.  You will feel things. You will feel things about people. Your emotions will control you so much you will find yourself catching feelings when you had no intentions to. You will feel these things countless times and find yourself going back to the same emotions time and time again. You will hurt. You will hurt badly. You will hurt badly many times. The males you will encounter have this uncanny ability to make your heart bleed a little too often. The pain they will cause will not make sense. You will hate yourself for going back to the very same situations that cause your world to end time and time again. But baby don’t let them steal your shine. Your love is a gift. Don’t let anyone make you feel stupid for the decision you made to bless them with it. And when you do find a human whose heart marches to the same beat as yours, whose mind speaks the same language yours does, make sure you enjoy that conversation. Let your hearts and minds play, freely. That smile he gives you, do not dare hide it. Do dream about that fairy-tale wedding and perfect children. Dance to that beautiful song that is his love. And if in the end, all he said to you were lies. If it was only an illusion and he simply was not meant to stay, it’s okay to cry. Mourn, because a love that beautiful needs to be recognized as it is leaving. But never for a second regret honoring someone else with that diamond that is your love. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to shine for him, but the one who truly deserves it, will come, don’t you worry. 

But while you wait, learn to forgive. Not for the sake of those who caused you pain. Not only just so you may heal but because mistakes are the inevitable consequence of our inherent imperfection. Forgive others. Even when they hurt you yet they knew better. Even if they keep taking you round the same circles. Forgive yourself. Because my dear one you will mess up. You will mess up badly. You will mess up often. You will literally fuck up so many times and so badly, you will even wonder if you are the same person. Love, there is nothing worse than living in conflict with yourself. Accept your mistakes. Accept your humanness. You are literally all that you have left. Love yourself. Fiercely. No one can give you the world if you do not start giving it to yourself. Learn to look in the mirror and be utterly amazed and in love with that beautiful person looking back at you. You are beautiful but only you can tell yourself this. Your imperfection is the most perfect thing in the universe. 

I don’t know how long you will live but I pray you live long enough to be that alibi my babies use when they just cannot miss that plan in Westie. I pray you live longer. I want you to be there when I tell your babies and grandbabies about how on the day you first debuted in these streets the traffic in this city was so shitty, it made me late to class but your in-law didn’t need to save me a seat next to him because everybody just knew. Most importantly, I pray you live each of these days like you will never see them again. I pray that you will give each and every day the best you possibly can even when you literally have nothing left to offer. I pray that on those days you are defeated, you will still fight even harder to make those moments memorable. 
 
I hope you do learn that the only way to enjoy these limited number of breaths we have is by smiling on your worst days and allowing yourself to laugh so loud you forget how to breathe. I hope you have so many of these moments. But when life makes you shed a tear, I hope that the kind of living you do will have you crying so heavily the tears run dry and you fall to your knees but only so that you get the strength to pick your pretty self up and carry on and go even further. I hope you find God and hold on to him fiercely because only his hand can safely sail you through the storms you are yet to see.
 
Nothing lasts forever beautiful. Not happiness. Not pain. Not even life. Even though I know you will not grace us with your presence in this world forever, I pray that you leave an unforgettable mark in the hearts of those you mean the world to.
Welcome to the planet baby,
I sincerely hope you enjoy your stay. 
Love always,
Megan.
Or as you will come to learn, that tall cousin who is eons away from figuring out this whole life thing.



image from Google

Monday 1 February 2016

Taking Stock: February 2016

Hey beautiful...

How are you?
Really.
How are you doing?
Are you happy?
How are your relationships?
How is your school/career progressing?
Are you anywhere near where you want to be?

A person of mine asked me this and it definitely did bring me back to a point of self reflection.
Sometimes we get so caught up in living we forget to actually consider how we are truly doing.

As we start this month number 2 of 2016, take time to check on yourself. Life is too short. If anything needs fixing, baby the time to fix it is now.

So anyway here is what I've been up to.
Enjoy :)

Making: Mental plans to come up with ideas for a blog for a school project. Why is writing so hard to do when you are under pressure????

Also I started keeping a journal again. Been doing it for a week but I feel this is one habit I will be glad I picked up. I can feel that healing coming to me already.

Cooking: A fried egg for dinner in the next few minutes.

Drinking: Lots and lots of herbal teas. I'm all about healing and I think relaxing teas at the end of a long day is totally a part of this process.

Reading:  Words from a Wanderer by Alexandra Elle. As mentioned earlier I'm at this point where I am focusing a lot of my energy into positive self healing and this anthology is full of positive affirmations about self that are truly uplifting.
Also just finished Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye. This one is sad. Like honestly is it even normal to imagine a life this miserable????

Playing: Color Switch. This one is cool. Hard and frustrating as fuck but fun.

Wishing: For a tablet. Like somebody hear my prayers and just gift me a nice little Samsung Tablet. I will be eternally grateful.

Enjoying: Something very brand new. And I am so happy.
*insert shy giggles here*

Waiting: To stun in some new skirts from Toi that are just the ones!!!!
Thrift shopping never disappoints.

Loving: February and the bright sunny summery days. The heat is annoying but the sun makes me so happy. Time to make memories :)

Watching:War room..or rather wanting to watch it. I hear it's a good one.

Hoping: That this little brand new thing I am loving lasts. Like never in my life have I wanted something to work out as much as I want this one to.

Marvelling: At my little adorable kittens. I am in love with those little creatures. So so in love.

Wearing: This black skirt that is giving me curves I wish I had. If anyone is asking why I was feeling all super fly today its because I was feeling like a had a Kim K booty. Lol.

Following: This blog which makes my ovaries do ten back flips everytime I open it.
Like is it even normal to have a family this cute. Is it?????

Feeling: PMS. And happy. But peaceful because I am all about those kind of vibes.

Bookmarking: Veon's blog. Because her taking stock posts make me happy.

Have a beautiful month lovelies.
Love and Sunshine.
Megan.❤

Also feel free to drop a comment if you did a Taking stock post too. Would love to read it :))