I Saw You Again In a Dream

I close my eyes and see you
My subconcious evidently more alive than my concious.

Amazing how in seeing you I feel a happiness I can never feel when I am awake.
Maybe love is eternally internal.
Or maybe I use this as just another defense for my laziness,
another justification and manifestation of how I am the perfect melancholic in constant desire of temporary peace..
Of a comforting little nap.

Yet I have this nagging sense that what I feel is much deeper.

I believe this is more of life's way of imprinting you in my memory.
Your way of staying relevant.
Of making sure I never stop missing you..
It's that sense of peace I get when you visit me in my dreams.
It's the way I curse my alarm clock when I open my eyes on the morning after
that reminds me once upon a time you were real
and the bitter-sweet realization that follows...

Oh joy! It was a dream.
A sweet sweet dream.
But sadly, that's all that it remains.
Just a dream.

Keep Calm.Press Pause.

This goes out to everyone struggling to keep their shit together.

*****

You know what I need? A break.
Like a serious time out from everything and everyone.
An extended period of nothingness to recover from life.
Why?
Well, like every other twenty year old, I am at that stage where shit is starting to get real.
Like suddenly everything from relationships to career to wellness just seem so overwhelming and I feel so ill-prepared. And I think this is funny considering how quite a large number of people around me SEEM to have it all together. While I on the other hand, am on the opposite end of the young people getting it together spectrum.
The terrific twenties are a point when one is this fireball of energy blazing through life.
It's awfully hard to do this when one isn't even sure if they are content with the path they chose to follow.
It's crazy.
It's like the walls just keep closing in and all these questions just keep haunting me at night.
Am I happy? Am I where I am meant to be? Am I doing the right thing with myself?
Are the decisions I made, convinced of their rightness, leading me down the wrong path?

Is this what being in my twenties is all about?
Are all those who seem to be all self actualized really just putting a facade?
Because they never show us the side of the struggle that isn't rainbows and butterflies.

Basically, a girl needs answers. A sort of reassurance that everything will be okay.
Actually, everybody who is at this breaking point needs that reassurance.

So that's what I am going to do. I will just take a break and remember why I chose this path.
Fall in love.
It's time to fall in deep love with my path again.
Maybe I'll also find the reason why my path chose me instead and in doing so find the strength to handle the sideshows that accompany my journey.

Even though I am in this state I am at least lucid enough to still believe in fate and the fact that I am exactly where I need to be.
God never gives anyone anything they were not wired to handle.

Love,
M.

http://www.thisisess.com/2013/08/being-in-your-twenties.html