Weird.

Maybe it is natural,
Automatic.
The constant worry of what the masses think.
This constant desire to please and appease.
The irrational fear of being the one they will tease.
The desire to impress even if it means it is your voice that you will have to surpress,
For people who at the back of your mind you know could not care less.
About you.

Or maybe, maybe
Like character it is acquired.
This desire to be desired.
To be angels we are not.
To cover up our every fault.
To blend in with the rest.
And from there be considered the best.
Irregardless of whether what we have to do,
Is seldom in our best interest.

Maybe this approval sought after
Is a figment of our imagination.
An inexistent creation.
Devised by our once clean conscience
Designed to steer us the wrong way
Perhaps to give us a justification
For every act done as a result of poor discretion.
To forever leave us in torment
And further from our state of perfection;
That ever elusive state of self actualization.

Maybe I should finally let them judge me for growing up.
For shutting these  voices down.
For wearing my wonderful weirdness like a crown.
For marching to the oh-so orthodox beat of my own drum
And not associating with those who will not make me conform to the erratic march of theirs.

For only associating with those who love me for the angel I am not
And the devil I try not to be.

Taking Stock: Birthday Edition

And this is Meg taking stock as she turns slightly less than a quarter of a century years old :)

Making: Plans for what my next blog post will be about. This blog is becoming my baby and I don't want to be that blogger who started with so much psyche only to ditch this blog leaving all you dear readers high and dry.

Cooking: Nothing at all. Eating on the other hand, well, anything full of sugar, salt or starch that tastes foo-gasmic. And I have no regrets. YOLO baby. (though in my defence, I walk a lot so that cholesterol gets burned pretty fast) And also Ola Chips in Cheesy Crunch because they are just sooo yummy.

source: Google Images

Drinking: Would have said water but left my bottle at home. But I will be drinking some orange soda in a few minutes. I mean screw the weather, if I want a cold drink I will take my cold drink. But I am keeping warm though. (Just in case mummy drops by this page)

Reading: For my Accounting CAT on Friday. Guess who is now an Accounting Major?

Playing: Not a damn thing at all.

Wasting: No time trying to do my best in everything. Because as I turn 21 (fine I said it) I realize that the time to let my star shine was yesterday and I am done taking a backseat and settling for mediocrity as far as my goals are concerned.

Wishing:For a chance to take a flight anywhere because it has been forever since I felt that amazing adrenaline rush during take-off and I just want to roam the skies and view a sunset(or sunrise) from 5000ft above sea level. Sigh.

Enjoying: Life. And Love. Especially in all the unconventional ways it tends to manifest itself around me.

Liking: The fact that my wardrobe is starting to shape up. Lately I have these days when I just look at my closet and think, damn, my outfit game is on point. And I have no shame in blowing my own trumpet because I do dress much better nowadays.

Wondering: Whether I made the right decision to be an Accounting major. I love what I do. Actually, I am in love with it because it is finally starting to make sense. But there is that voice that questions whether this is what I will spend the rest of my life doing. The way I am falling in love with writing lately, only time will tell.

Loving:  Ola Tortilla Chips. I am not a foodie. But I do have a slight junk food fetish. And Ola, I love you very much.

Hoping: That this state of slight normalcy that has returned to this country persists. I am super thankful for it because the past few months in this beautiful nation were crazy and I keep praying we never go back to those days again.

Marveling: At how fast time flies. Can you imagine a year ago I was this young lass coming to terms with the fact that I am not a teen anymore and now well, I am still in that state of disbelief, but now I have a blog :). And being legal is sort of cool so I love it.

Smelling: The air of our school library. I love that smell by the way, of pages of old books that are still in a very new condition. So beautiful.

Wearing: (as I type this) a heavy blue scarf because it is cold outside and my neck is super sensitive. But when this post shall be published, I will be wearing a bright Kitenge jacket. Because how else will they know I am the birthday girl?

Following:  This blog though it may be relatively new I love the perspective the writer is taking in talking about Nairobi. Also following Olive Gachara's Instagram account after watching her interview on Young Rich. Her story on how she started her business is just so amazing, definitely my role model.

Noticing: How my grammar lately is becoming atrocious. This will change. So if you hear me speaking in a new more polished accent, don't hate baby, emulate :)

Knowing: A lot more than I did a year ago. I know now not to judge others when they sin a little different than me. I also know myself better and how to handle myself better in situations that potentially bring out the worst in me. Most importantly I know now that at the end of the day people will judge you whether you do right or wrong so I now only listen to the most important voices, mine and that of my Maker.

Thinking: About what I am going to eat for lunch. I think I am hungry.

Feeling: Excited. I always do,every time I blog and share my mind.

Bookmarking: Nothing new. Same old fashion blogs although my photographer  friend The Masked Bandit has this really cool project going on that is all about sharing the voices and stories of people in this city. Check out his Instagram. Cool stuff right there.

Opening: a tin of Lip-balm maybe. Okay pass on this one.

Giggling: Instacomedy. Enough Said.

Listening: To Magic by Coldplay. This song is just all forms of deep. And the fact that I sort of relate to that deep-ness just makes it so beautiful. Good music right there.


Well, thank you for caring about what goes on in my mind on this day of my birth.


Happy birthday to all the Leos everywhere.

Thank you again for reading, your views are like my birthday gift, given all year round :-**

Of Personal Space and Problems only Melancholics Understand

Remember that time before your parent brought home your younger sibling and you were all excited only to go all 'what the fishcakes was I thinking' a few months later? Yes?

Good.

Because after 21 years I finally relate to what you are feeling.

No, my mama dearest is not bringing home a tiny screaming baby so all of you who know my family can keep your ducks in a row.

But. I am faced with the prospect of needing to open the high steel gates of my personal space so as to take in a guest who may just be cohabiting with me for a while.

And yes, I am terrified. Very terrified.

Why? Before you go calling me a mean little brat, understand one thing. I am that kid who had her own room from the time she was 8. Seeing as my only sibling is much much older and I grew up in a suburb sort of in the middle of nowhere overlooking the majestic Ngong Hills without many kids my age to interact with at home, I sort of morphed into the typical melancholic. I can be super moody, like I go from happy to dull in less than 0.5 seconds and at times I am the annoying perfectionist especially when it comes to matters I am confident of my knowledge in. I am terribly choosy and sometimes it is difficult to please me. Infact my reputation could be summarized in one word 'bitch' if I hadnt learnt to be quiet if I can't say anything nice and if I didn't like being sweet to people.Most importantly however, I am not a people person. At all.  Like the typical mel, new people sort of drain my energy. In fact I would rather be in my warm bed in pyjamas and messy hair than out in the world. If I am to 'do people' they have to be those chosen few who have seen me at my sweetest,ratchet-est (because every girl has that side) and brattiest and still insist on associating with me-aka my ride or dies.

So you can only imagine how I feel about home. My lair. It is where I re-energize because it is in this place that I escape all the insanity that is out there. It is at home where I can roam in over size pyjamas, go all Beyonce in front of the mirror and just chill. And the number one reason I love home? The fact that I get to enjoy lots of personal space without worrying about stepping on the toes of someone else because as much as people drain me, I do hate conflict. And this whole story of inviting a stranger just gives me shivers because typical melancholics need a 'no new friends' environment to be lazy and get their creative juices flowing. FYI if suddenly I become dormant, just know it might be because I have no lair where my body and energy feels free. Also that explains how my home situation should be of concern to you dear reader.

On to another point. The funny thing is I always had this fantasy about having a mini me. Someone around to sort of mentor and keep from making the same mistakes I made. In fact so strong was my desire I had sort of tried being on the lookout for a nice little random younger friend who seemed open to being friends with this mess here. But when I got wind of this idea of having a stranger co-habit with us for a while, I went all like, why was I praying for this??

I don't know maybe it is just me who is majorly over-thinking this but I am so not f......ng ready to be a role model. Literally I am this beautiful mess and I can't imagine myself taking the role of showing someone the ropes of how to or not to live. Like I can barely keep it together myself, I can't bear the thought of having someone watching trying to learn a thing or two from me;if at all there is anything worth emulating.  I am the typical last born, I delight in imperfection(hence the reason I showed how not flawless I am in an earlier paragraph). I believe the whole role model thing is for the leaders... The older siblings. Not me. I am that one that was born to do something dumb yet awesome that would make the parent console themselves that at least they have one good kid. That is until they realize how amazing and out of the box my path is. And being a role model is for the leaders, not the followers.

After all this venting though, I know that at the end of the day, I can't run away from life. And maybe it was planned that at a time when M just wants to hide from the world, life would happen and she would have to open up the doors and accommodate a beautiful stranger. So I will try to put my melancholic fears away and just see where all this will take me.

Is there anyone out there who has similar melancholic type problems? It would be nice to know I am not alone. Or just plain weird.