Offending the dreams of my younger self

You are 22 and shit did not turn out the way it was meant to. You are still not paying your own bills even though at 16 you swore you would grow up to be that Strong Independent Type of Bitch.
You do not have the solid friendships you knew would form your support system at this age. Your love life is somewhere between messed up and totally non existent. And truthfully life fucking sucks.
Your greatest achievement as of 6 pm today was finally passing level 200 on Candy Crush, and maybe doing the dishes before mum got home.
You spend a terrible amount of your life stalking your schoolmates on Instagram, sometimes Snapchat and try so hard not to feel someway everytime this one posts an at work selfie or that one launches a social media page for their business.
You day dream for hours, about what would happen if you just got that one job or if someone just sent you that email that would change your life.
But the truth is you feel terribly lazy and fearful.
That's why you stare at your laptop for hours but never quite get to sending those emails or coming up with a write up for that project you've been meaning to start.

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to my life.

At 22 I swore I was going to have my shit together. I'd have the perfect boyfriend (think Idris Elba but with Bill Gates' money). I was meant to have a job which would literally have my pretty behind swimming in money, probably a house and a car. I was meant to have published a book or won some literary accolade. Damn it I was meant to be all shades of awesome. At 16,  I thought I'd be happy by now.

But honestly that is far from what I am.
I have been staring at a blank Microsoft Word page for the past month trying to get myself to create. I have sent maybe 2 or 3 job applications and I am still waiting on an angel to send me the job of my dreams.
And over the past few days I have been feeling like I am under the darkest cloud.

22 is being so hard on me.

It got worse a month ago when I finished my undergrad.

I spend my days Re-watching season 10 and 11 of Keeping up with the Kardashians because I literally have nothing better to do. And my parent seems to enjoy having a maid around so I am under no pressure to leave the house and go out and change the world.

Which only makes me feel so claustrophobic because everytime I scroll through my social media pages, people my age are making it happen. Recently I accidentally came across(read shamelessly stalked) the page of a former school mate who seems to be all shades of superwoman as she makes plans for running for public office in 2017 and I am here thinking how Election Day next year is going to be stay indoors and eat pizza till I can't feel my face Day. Sad isn't it?

Whatever happened to that change the world energy I once had when I was younger? What happened to my plans of going back to my roots and helping little girls get an education?
Whatever happened to the Megan who was such a dreamer who spent hours in English class writing poems on my text books knowing I was going to rock mics one day?
What happened to her?

I think the twenties are where dreams comes to die.

I'll say it again.

The twenties is where your dreams come to die.

Because that is when reality hits you.
You realize humans are just selfish people who have mastered the art of smiling to your face as they dig a knife through your back.  You become so paranoid you just cant trust anyone, not even when they come with a golden heart and claim they want to be your friend. People are a lie. Friendship and relationships are all lies.
You realize that art is beautiful but applause doesn't pay the bills so those artistic dreams just melt away into a dark space that is replaced by a career your parents tell you will put you at the top of the corporate food chain. You sell out. And you hate yourself endlessly even though you dont have the balls to hand in that resignation letter or apply to drop your degree programme.
You encounter campus politics and realize that change is an illusion and the common good is just a dream that those in power use to blinden the people. Everyone can be bought. Even you. You'd just rather do nothing than waste your time waiting for the one that will pay the most.
And just like that. You become a robot.

A slave to the system that tells you the order of life is degree, job, masters, marriage, baby, grandbaby, death.

A sell out because you quickly move from free spirit to survivor aka ADULT.

And I guess for me that is the hardest bit to accept because I am just not fucking ready.
I am not ready to be in a career that I hate. I am not ready to spend the rest of my life wondering what if?
What if I'd taken a Masters in English or something dreamy like that?
What if I became a full time writer?
What if I I just moved in with Mr. E.B and didnt do the usual boring pretty white dress thing?

I dont want to be that person.
But at the same time I dont want to take a risk which will have me wishing I would have just stuck to the rules.

Basically this whole post is just about how the truth is M does not know what the fuck she wants and it is driving her to near madness because I WAS NOT MEANT TO BE THIS PERSON!!!!!

But after countless hours spent wishing I was a baby.. Specifically North West or Saint West lol, I have realized that it is just part of the journey.

This case of quarter life crisis will not last forever. And as a friend told me, sometimes life happens and we do not get what we want. It doesn't mean life has to end. It just means you have to find new ways to be happy.
I know the twenties is where dreams come to die, but only if you let them.

So fellow twenties sell out who is reading this.
Life is hard right now.
You are very very close to deppression.
And your successful Instagram friends are not making life any easier.
But baby you will make it.
Just take those baby steps, get out of bed, keep encouraging your people who are doing it.
Don't quit that degree, just finish it and maybe start a new one. Send out an application letter or two, it wont hurt. Maybe in working that job you think will suck the life out of you, you will have enough money to go out and do what really makes your heart beat. Or even better maybe you will end up loving it.

I personally know I am very bad at everything adult. Except maybe whiskey shots...or not because I have light weight struggles. *insert monkey covering eyes emoji here lol*

I did not just write that on my blog.

Anyway as I was saying... I will figure out adulting. I will be terrible at it.

But I will not suck at it forever.

So here's to working hard.
Enjoying every moment.
We will get through the quarter life crisis.

I, will get through the quarter life crisis.
And I will also seriously stop watching re-runs of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

PS.. The title was borrowed from a poem by Chaka Sichangi, a poet whose Wordpress was everything back in the day. ❤❤❤