Taking Stock: July

Happy new month my sugar pies:-):-):-)
We are halfway done with 2016...can you believe it?
How was the first half?
Are you happy with how life is?
Was it quite the struggle? Do you wish you could fast forward to when things will be okay?

Whichever way it has been, I hope you will learn from it and keep growing.
Life is too short to stagnate.
Let yourself take the baby steps towards progress.
If it is healing you need, allow yourself to  be whole again by opening up yourself to forgiveness.
If it is a dream you are chasing, keep at it.
Do one thing every day, even a little thing that will take you closer to your ultimate vision.

On my end, things have been pretty beautiful.
Your girl graduated and got a job... So we can say that is one dream down:-):-)

And in celebration of that I am thinking it's about time our little home over here got an upgrade so we will be moving to Wordpress soon. The site is already up....
meganomare.wordpress.com
But I am still working on it but when we do move I will make it pretty grand... So until then please stay here.
Another reason for the wordpress move is for some of you who find commenting on this space a bit hard. With Wordpress you can comment whichever way you like even anonymously so to my ghost followers you can continue ghost following only now you can comment anonymously too... *yaay*. :))

But while we wait for all that.. Here is what I have been upto lately... enjoy!

Making: My Wordpress site. Our official move will be marked by a post about what achieving one dream has taught me.... A major milestone so subscribe!!!! You won't regret it that much.

Cooking:Okay.. Pass.

Drinking: Tea. Because in Kenyan offices it is almost like a law to drink a hundred cups a day...

Reading: Nothing new. But as I type this it is less than 24 hours till the Caine Prize winner for this year is announced and I am excited. I read the stories and every review and author interview about them I could get and they are all such stunning pieces of fiction. I am rooting for Bongani Kona's At Your Requiem. It was the kind of story which is simple but the author's narration style had me hooked. Although I do admit that Lesley Nneka Arima's When A Man Falls from the Sky is the kind of different which should also not go uncelebrated. I am honestly torn. (read all the other masterpieces here).

Wanting: A tablet so bad. My excuse...it will make reading and blogging on the go so much easier.

Playing: Make that about to uninstall Candy Crush. I am stuck on a level and have been for a month now...sigh.

Deciding: That this month I am going to set goals and achieve them. I work hard but I feel like I am not achieving anything concrete so that is going to change. All those things I have been meaning to do but get lazy to, I am determined to start again and reach them.

Wishing: For world peace and for people to stop hurting each other. News is so scary these days. *Prayers up for the world*

Enjoying: My job. It gets hard. It gets scary. It gets frustrating. But I thank God that this is where I have been put to serve.

Waiting: For the weekend. Because sleep. That is all.

Wondering: If it's normal to love my cats the way I do. I was feeling lazy this morning until I heard one of my kitties meow loudly. Then I got my ass up to see what the problem was.

Loving: On my superman. Happy 7 months you beautiful soul ♡♡

Watching: Black.ish. I think it is the funniest black comedy I have seen in a while. And Diane is totally family black sheep goals.

Wearing: My pyjamas. It is bed time!!!

Sorting: umm pass...

Buying: Lipstick. Fashiolleta is my hero!!! I bought a Colorpop liquid lipstick in the shade Creeper from them and I am impressed by the products and their effiecency. I am definitely getting more.

Bookmarking: Alex Elle's social media pages. I find her writing healing. And so emotionally and spiritually encouraging.

Hope you enjoyed my musings.

Have a beautiful month and keep shining.

Love,
Meggie.
❤❤

Que Sera, Sera

This one will be a quickie... i.e I shall engage you in a few words of amateur wisdom hastily typed over my 'lunch hour' at work. Why specifically lunch?
Uuum because baby girl loves her job and is not about getting fired obvs!!

Okay enough.


*Tries to resumes her state of relative normalcy.*


Today I will introduce you to my new friend PATIENCE.

I've know her for years. Hated her even longer.

I do not know Patience. Or rather how to deal with her.

If I am to drop the personification and be more sensible, Patience is a virtue. And it is one I lack completely.
Do not blame me.
I am a millenial.
I belong to a generation that believes all problems should be fixed immediately.

Hungry?
KFC delivers in 10 minutes ain't nobody got time to actually marinate and fry chicken.

Assignment due?
Google has all the answers to my problems. I have better places to go than to a library to actually RESEARCH.

Sick?
Google it then hit up a pharmacy because I already know what's wrong with me.

Patience is something foreign.
Partly because I am a millenial ever so quick to go everywhere and do everything but also because I was raised a last born and I am used to getting most of what I want when I want it.


But the last few months and year has made me change a lot because life has put me in circumstances that forced me to learn to wait.

It started with my undergraduate research project. 2 semesters that were decent except for emails from my supervisor and manuscripts covered in red marks which had me seriously wondering why I didn't just quit and wait to get a rich husband. Seriously, if it wasn't for God, God and God I would have cracked a long time ago. Also something that was 40% and blended Scotch lol.... but I digress.
But through it all, I was forced to wait for a tiny idea to grow into a tangible research paper. And when it did come to pass, it was beautiful and your girl got an A( yes I am bragging shamelessly :D ).


Exit project and campus life and I was forced into another situation that tested my patience. THE JOB hunt.

Laaawwdd. I always imagined whenever I threw my CV somewhere and inserted the name of my University and the one internship at a financial advisory company I did, I would immediately get an email saying we want you. What Lies!!! As in seriously University rankings are just a waste of time.
They get you all confident and excited only for you to be super disappointed.

I did this thing for 2 months and I wanted to cry. It was email after email. Online application after online application. I bugged my mother enough times. I tried to be busy writing while I wait but honestly my creative juices ran dry for some inexplainable reason. I resorted to one thing to numb my frustration... TV and long naps.

This waiting thing was not for me.

But somewhere along the line I was able to achieve goal number 5 of the year which was get a decent entry level position. I thought it would happen by February but May isn't too bad. People wait longer.


The whole point of this post isn't to brag to my job-hunting peers.
But it's to show you that waiting is inevitable.
No matter how much you hate it.
You just have to learn to embrace it. Waiting feels like floating in a vacuum. At least for me.

I wasn't so sure what to do with myself,

So I resorted to just laying there, in that period of nothingness hoping for a miracle.
I hated it. My anxiety had my mind racing as I kept hoping to wake up one day and find myself in a new routine and most importantly NOT WAITING.

But after getting through it I realize that Patience has to be my best friend by force. And no, not just for the big things but the little things too.

I am learning to allow myself to be patient even with others particularly Kenyans who do not know how to be on time. I inherited my mum's time ethic and I cannot stand people whose 1 pm means 4.25. But for some people, it is a personality trait, as ingrained in them as my need to show up early.


I am also learning to be patient with people because they wont always understand you. Or warm up. I am the newbie where I work. And that means there is a staff of 45 plus people who still do not know me so of course conversations will be awkward at times. But it's okay because again that will take time. And while I wait I will be content smiling awkwardly and occasionally participating in small talk.

And most importantly I am learning to be patient in my climb up the corporate ladder. It is frustrating. I am a millennial. I expect to be forever entertained and to see results. But that wont happen. There are still so many processes to be learnt. Which is annoying because my lack of this knowledge means there are a lot of times when I am in the office, waiting and using company wifi. And that can be fun because this place has amazing wifi but I also dont want to be that one using company wifi to blog. So lately I decided to be using this waiting time to grow my skills, read a bunch of Accounting Standards and religiously read Business Daily so that when the period of blooming happens in this corporate jungle, I have more than just the boring book knowledge to help me sail through.




So dear reader reading this, I don't know where you are but I will tell you this hunnay, be patient. And learn to wait patiently.
As a millennial it is so hard.
But everything will happen at it's time.
Learn how to build yourself as you wait. If it's a job, practice by volunteering somewhere or maybe grow your skills by studying something related to your line of work. Don't just sit there watching Nairobi Diaries (or do this sometimes because it can be fun but don't make it your day job lol).

If you are in a dilemma and waiting for a miracle to lead you to your next move just wait patiently. You will figure it out too.. But dont stop thinking and praying about it.
If it's Mr or Mrs Right, in time that will come too. My single-hood was a seriously frustrating process at times because it had been a whiile since I was that alone (yes I said it) but something beautiful came of it, eventually. So as you wait, grow yourself, learn to love yourself unconditionally and spoil yourself doing things that make you happy.
If it's for a tough time in your life to pass, take courage in the strength that comes only from above.
Sit through the pain. Cry if you must. Cry a lot. But dont let it get the best of you, it shall pass too. Just like everything else.

You just wait patiently love.

image from tumblr

The Big T

'The Big T'

*noun phrase*

Definition : The state of accepting your roots and beautiful kinks and coils and wearing your hair without the concentrated sodium hydroxide previously used to straighten the Bantu out of your hair.
Basically starting the transitioning journey which is the Big Chop; but like, for COWARDS.

Fellow readers, welcome to my life.
If you stalk this blog well enough you may have realized I did this whole post about how I want to cut my hair and start growing it without any relaxer. 
If you are also keen, you will have realized that I took down the post a few days after I wrote it.
Why?
Because even after having India Arie on replay, following a million naturalistas on Instagram and researching about how to prepare for the Big C, I chickened out. Basically the Big C in my life stands for Big Coward.

*bows head in shame*

Nonetheless the idea of going natural still haunted me. It was fueled every time I went to the salon and had to deal with heat and the constant pulling and imagined the idea of exposing my tender scalp to chemical burns.
Honestly I was done.
And even now, I am officially over that life.

When I relaxed my hair in November 2012 I did it because I was sick of braiding my hair. Back then I thought the only way to wear natural hair and have it look pretty is if it's braided or weaved up. The idea of blow drying my hair was out of the question because my natural curls couldnt stay put after a blow dry no matter how much I burned them. So my only option seemed to be to hit up the salon and relax the mane.

I was okay with it. In fact my hairdresser was pretty good, it grew a teeny weeny bit.
But lately I just feel like I am sick of that life.

I have been having massive curl and kink envy and so I have decided to just go natural again. And since I am a coward (read I am majorly insecure about le fivehead) I decided to ease myself into it by transitioning.

So welcome to my natural hair journey. I hope you'll enjoy reading about my musings and sharing bits of advice because Lord knows I need it. This journey will involve a lot of doing my hair myself which up until a few hours ago, I had never done before. So people I need help. And prayers. And encouragement. And advice. Lots of it.

Personally I feel that in 2016, natural hair is more than just hair.  It represents a wave of pure self love and self acceptance and a refusal to accept one ideal kind of beauty. It represents a wave of females (and supportive males) who want to break a false beauty construct that has led to so many women feeling inadequate.

-you see your face. you see a flaw. how. if you are the only one who has this face. – the beauty construct
Nayyirah Waheed, salt.

So of course for me this journey will be filled with poetry celebrating black girl magic, India Arie and lots of writing,  I hope.

And I have decided that today, the 27th of April is a perfect day to have a hair anniversary since I just had my first proper home wash day. It was quite the task. I have never done my hair at home. Ever. But baby we did it. And beinf in control of this process for the first time felt so....liberating. 

As I write this, my hair is in matutas(or three strand twists as they are known in natural hair land) I would post a pic of that but lezzbereal,  we don't know each other like that lol:-D

I hope my musings will inspire you to accept yourself in all your natural nappy haired beauty and chocolate coated magic. Except this one. This post was me being vain and blabbering about my hair (because I am a narcissistic writer who should have been listened to more as a child.)

Aaanyway... Here's to Black Girl Magic, good hair and beautiful days.

Love,
Meggie.

PS... Drop a comment, hit my facebook DM or whatever.
Sharing is Caring people, this new Naturalista needs that info. :-):-)
Thank you❤

Offending the dreams of my younger self

You are 22 and shit did not turn out the way it was meant to. You are still not paying your own bills even though at 16 you swore you would grow up to be that Strong Independent Type of Bitch.
You do not have the solid friendships you knew would form your support system at this age. Your love life is somewhere between messed up and totally non existent. And truthfully life fucking sucks.
Your greatest achievement as of 6 pm today was finally passing level 200 on Candy Crush, and maybe doing the dishes before mum got home.
You spend a terrible amount of your life stalking your schoolmates on Instagram, sometimes Snapchat and try so hard not to feel someway everytime this one posts an at work selfie or that one launches a social media page for their business.
You day dream for hours, about what would happen if you just got that one job or if someone just sent you that email that would change your life.
But the truth is you feel terribly lazy and fearful.
That's why you stare at your laptop for hours but never quite get to sending those emails or coming up with a write up for that project you've been meaning to start.

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to my life.

At 22 I swore I was going to have my shit together. I'd have the perfect boyfriend (think Idris Elba but with Bill Gates' money). I was meant to have a job which would literally have my pretty behind swimming in money, probably a house and a car. I was meant to have published a book or won some literary accolade. Damn it I was meant to be all shades of awesome. At 16,  I thought I'd be happy by now.

But honestly that is far from what I am.
I have been staring at a blank Microsoft Word page for the past month trying to get myself to create. I have sent maybe 2 or 3 job applications and I am still waiting on an angel to send me the job of my dreams.
And over the past few days I have been feeling like I am under the darkest cloud.

22 is being so hard on me.

It got worse a month ago when I finished my undergrad.

I spend my days Re-watching season 10 and 11 of Keeping up with the Kardashians because I literally have nothing better to do. And my parent seems to enjoy having a maid around so I am under no pressure to leave the house and go out and change the world.

Which only makes me feel so claustrophobic because everytime I scroll through my social media pages, people my age are making it happen. Recently I accidentally came across(read shamelessly stalked) the page of a former school mate who seems to be all shades of superwoman as she makes plans for running for public office in 2017 and I am here thinking how Election Day next year is going to be stay indoors and eat pizza till I can't feel my face Day. Sad isn't it?

Whatever happened to that change the world energy I once had when I was younger? What happened to my plans of going back to my roots and helping little girls get an education?
Whatever happened to the Megan who was such a dreamer who spent hours in English class writing poems on my text books knowing I was going to rock mics one day?
What happened to her?

I think the twenties are where dreams comes to die.

I'll say it again.

The twenties is where your dreams come to die.

Because that is when reality hits you.
You realize humans are just selfish people who have mastered the art of smiling to your face as they dig a knife through your back.  You become so paranoid you just cant trust anyone, not even when they come with a golden heart and claim they want to be your friend. People are a lie. Friendship and relationships are all lies.
You realize that art is beautiful but applause doesn't pay the bills so those artistic dreams just melt away into a dark space that is replaced by a career your parents tell you will put you at the top of the corporate food chain. You sell out. And you hate yourself endlessly even though you dont have the balls to hand in that resignation letter or apply to drop your degree programme.
You encounter campus politics and realize that change is an illusion and the common good is just a dream that those in power use to blinden the people. Everyone can be bought. Even you. You'd just rather do nothing than waste your time waiting for the one that will pay the most.
And just like that. You become a robot.

A slave to the system that tells you the order of life is degree, job, masters, marriage, baby, grandbaby, death.

A sell out because you quickly move from free spirit to survivor aka ADULT.

And I guess for me that is the hardest bit to accept because I am just not fucking ready.
I am not ready to be in a career that I hate. I am not ready to spend the rest of my life wondering what if?
What if I'd taken a Masters in English or something dreamy like that?
What if I became a full time writer?
What if I I just moved in with Mr. E.B and didnt do the usual boring pretty white dress thing?

I dont want to be that person.
But at the same time I dont want to take a risk which will have me wishing I would have just stuck to the rules.

Basically this whole post is just about how the truth is M does not know what the fuck she wants and it is driving her to near madness because I WAS NOT MEANT TO BE THIS PERSON!!!!!

But after countless hours spent wishing I was a baby.. Specifically North West or Saint West lol, I have realized that it is just part of the journey.

This case of quarter life crisis will not last forever. And as a friend told me, sometimes life happens and we do not get what we want. It doesn't mean life has to end. It just means you have to find new ways to be happy.
I know the twenties is where dreams come to die, but only if you let them.

So fellow twenties sell out who is reading this.
Life is hard right now.
You are very very close to deppression.
And your successful Instagram friends are not making life any easier.
But baby you will make it.
Just take those baby steps, get out of bed, keep encouraging your people who are doing it.
Don't quit that degree, just finish it and maybe start a new one. Send out an application letter or two, it wont hurt. Maybe in working that job you think will suck the life out of you, you will have enough money to go out and do what really makes your heart beat. Or even better maybe you will end up loving it.

I personally know I am very bad at everything adult. Except maybe whiskey shots...or not because I have light weight struggles. *insert monkey covering eyes emoji here lol*

I did not just write that on my blog.

Anyway as I was saying... I will figure out adulting. I will be terrible at it.

But I will not suck at it forever.

So here's to working hard.
Enjoying every moment.
We will get through the quarter life crisis.

I, will get through the quarter life crisis.
And I will also seriously stop watching re-runs of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

PS.. The title was borrowed from a poem by Chaka Sichangi, a poet whose Wordpress was everything back in the day. ❤❤❤

That Tuesday or Wednesday or Thursday.

The fucked up thing is how for the most part you remain a stranger and truthfully I have enough of those and that kind of sucks but that is not what this story is about.

It was a Tuesday or Wednesday or Thursday or some annoying day like that. I think I had a CAT or assignment due and people in the same room were reading for it but I could not be bothered. You know me. We were seated and I was using my ignorance to give you an idea of how to go about writing your chapter 2 although truthfully I knew nothing and was trying to act all Perfect Know it All A student. Also we all know that was a lie.  I was stressed about my thesis too and it was one of those moments when I was hiding my loneliness and stress behind hearty laughs and we were talking everything. Mostly families, and how it sucks to lose yours. You told me Mrs lost her mum too and for a split second she ceased to be another fictional character I have heard of but never met. I could feel her pain. I was that girl too. And I could see you trying all you could to numb her pain even though it wasn’t working but you kept trying. I remembered him too, the guy who did that for me or tried to and missed him, for a minute. But then I stared at you and this overwhelming sense of respect that even now still won’t go away overcame me because, you just like he, didn’t have to.What struck me is how you became that guy again. In that moment you sort of took me back to a familiar pain and unconsciously sort of took it away. You probably never knew it. But I'm writing this with the hope you do so that the next time someone tells you you are a bad excuse of a person you can come back to this memory.

You sat there with me. I went on and on about how dad was such a phenomenal person and went name dropping about his position because quite frankly no one seems to give a fuck anymore and I just wanted to reminisce. I remember not shutting up. And it’s funny because that is one thing I ordinarily know how to do.  But you sat there and did the most amazing thing when I bragged about his achievements, you grabbed my machine and told me to Google his work. I could be exaggerating but you were impressed when you saw those results. And I guess I felt a tinge of pride too. But even more, I wished Dad was around because gentlemen like you were the breed I would proudly introduce as friend, (and risk having my family asking all forms of questions even though there was nothing going on.)
See to you, it could have been just another midmorning wasted on this girl who seemed so elusive and detached from everyone but in that moment I felt something greater. I felt that someone cared.
And that is the one thing you crave the most when you lose a loved one. The sun has this nasty habit of insisting on rising and setting normally every day after a loved one passes on. For every person that dies more people get married, or fornicate and have babies who grow up and hit development milestones and go on to become amazing human beings. With time it starts to feel like that one awesome human being who once was in my life gets forgotten. And that sucks because this person, this loved one, once meant the world to me and it kills me to know that the world barely even acknowledges the fact that they existed.
So to have somebody willing to hear me rant on and on about said departed person’s awesomeness, that feels great.
There are moments after Dad’s passing I wish I could forget. The moments when we show up at events and feel so ordinary because there is no one to speak for us. The times when the people who once greeted us before just pass us because we are pretty much nobody without him. The times when I share a picture of him on social media and family, friends or acquaintances who I barely even see anymore kind of send me texts to the effect that I should grow the fuck up and get over it.
But then there are times which I pray I never forget. People who I always remember in my prayers because their kind gestures meant everything. Gentlemen who happily help young girls who do need to get over it but refuse to by sparing a minute to help them Google search the articles their father's wrote.
When I pray, I just want you to know I say a special Bless him for Tall Ninjas like you.

Taking Stock: March

Ladies and gentlemen it is March. The second month of this leap year is gone and all those February 29th Babies finally got a real day to celebrate their birthdays... by the way happy belated birthday any leap year baby reading this, it only comes once every 4 years and I hope yours was magical **.
So anyway how was February for you?
Was it good?
Did it give you a reason to believe in life and love and love again?
For me it did.
Looking back I'm not even sure how the month went by so fast but I remember laughing and having some pretty low days but always coming back to this new place where more than ever I am convinced that no matter what happens, I will be alright.
So anyway here is my taking stock post for this beautiful month.
Making : A to do list. I'm not a very productive person past 10 am but today I want to get shit done...(hence the reason I am determined to write today). :)







It's the little things that make me happy :))
Cooking : Nothing but I am sooo hungry because it is lunch time. But yesterday I made some scrambled eggs and used melted margarine instead of using regular cooking oil and they were bomb dot com!!
I hope March is good to you.
But I believe I'll be okay.
So cheers to chasing other dreams and making it through another month.

Also drop me a link to your taking stock posts or basically anything you want me to check out, I would love to read it.:-**

Drinking : Flavored water. Don't know why I picked apple though... I'm more of a strawberry girl.

Reading : For my Strategic Management Accounting Exam that is in about 2 weeks. My last paper as an undergraduate and I am determined to finish in style.

Wanting : Every possible variant in this new body spray range I am using. I am currently using warm vanilla sugar and I love it because it is sweet yet very very subtle. Meggie wants more!!

Image from Google Images

Looking: forward to the future when a lot of the things giving me anxiety will have come to pass. Adulting is scary but thanks to a special friend, I'm a bit more optimistic about everything.

Playing: with my kittens that I am in love with. I miss them so much right now even though they are a bit scared of me.

Wasting: money on colored pens just because they make me so happy. :))

Wishing: for a new phone case. Something colorful and girly and very me...something like this...

Image from Google Images

Enjoying: The yummy Nairobi Sun. Minus those headaches you get walking in the heat, this weather makes me so happy:))

Waiting: for my finalist dinner so I can rock this dress I have been hiding in my closet since February. I hope that evening will be beautiful.

Liking: How I finally found a shade of purple/pink lipstick that I feel comfortable rocking. And it's a liquid matte!! Somebody say YAAS HONEY!!!!

Loving: this person.

Hoping: That I'll get a job very soon. I don't do well with idleness. At all.

Marveling: At how beautiful Naturalistas are when they wear their mane freely. Seriously thinking about either transitioning or doing the Big Chop.

Needing: To buy nail polish. And I also need a pedicure. And manicure. Mostly pedicure.

Smelling: The apple flavored water I'm drinking.

Wearing: Formal pants and shirt. I feel like this look is typical for anyone who studies at my university. 

Following: Nairobi naturalistas. Hence the natural hair fever.

Noticing: How it is so easy to outgrow some people. It's kind of sad how even the slightest change in ourselves can cause a shift in the people we previoussly used to find ourselves around.

Knowing: That at the end of the day, the secret is always self love and hardwork.

Thinking: about how I need to derail someone very soon. They probably wont like it but I have my needy days. I am currently having one right now.

Feeling: so optimistic about everything..

Bookmarking: (or thinking of bookmarking) my Linked In page. The time has come ladies and gentlemen.

Opening: my laptop. And I changed my desktop wallpaper and I like how it looks.

Feeling:like I really should stop this bad habit of obsessing over my muses in my writing. it's not good for their exposure.

Sewing: pass!!

Wondering: whether I'll get to eat some lyonnaise potatoes for lunch because cravings :))

Giggling: because of this person.

Your girl is finally finishing her undergrad and that will be one dream chased and attained. I am excited because I crave that moment when I will say I finally did it but the truth is I am scared as f----.


Love always,
Megan.

YES

So the post below first appeared on this blog as my submission for the Muwado Love Letter Challenge 2 (although I gave it a different title). I read the posts for last year and though I'm late I felt like I had to participate.
Also if you are a writer I dare you to write something on this subject too.
(you can read more details here) And drop a comment of the link, I would love to read it.

Love and Sunshine ❤❤,
Meg.

YES.

The reason I choked on my cup of green tea that time was because when I saw that black velvet box in your palm all that came to mind was how the odds are not in our favor. They probably never have been.
There is no way you expect me to compete with the average lady from back home with a behind that would put a Kenyan socialite to shame. Neither can I throw it down in the kitchen. And I am not anywhere close to fully learning how to. I am not submissive either. I have no idea what that word means and neither does pretty much every other educated feminist lady that I know. The ones in my circles anyway. We are too independent for that nonsense.  We know how to look pretty. We know how to cuss the fuck out of random men who ogle at us as we walk by. We know how to demand for what we want but that “s” word, that is a concept foreign to us. So by the time you are introducing me to the family, I can imagine the glances of disapproval coming from every one. They’ve heard about these dangerous Nairobi girls. They sent you to get an education. You did come back with a degree. And a girl who can barely speak her mother-tongue let alone cook a nice hot plate of Ugali for a large crowd of potential in-laws.
They will probably wonder why out of every single possible female, you landed on me. I don’t have super model looks although I am tall.  I don’t have one of those classy jobs. I spent 4 years pursuing a degree in Commerce only to end up with the job title blogger. Of all the things I could be I chose to be that one that sits at that one corner in Java and bangs the keys on her laptop for a living. I know you have no problem with this. You support me and even help me because in this field at times I find it hard to pay my bills but I can already hear your family asking when I will get a real job.  They will see me in all my black lipstick and nappy 4C hair glory and judge me so badly.
But that’s not the only problem we shall encounter.
My family will think I have lost my mind. It wasn’t enough I decided to cut my hair and say I will not be pursuing that MBA after graduation, I decided to be the one that brought a Ugandan home.
They had plans. My father was a well-connected man. I’m sure they had envisioned a grand wedding to some politician or businessman’s doctor/lawyer/architect son who at the very least was from the same tribe. So when I tell them I decided to cross the border and choose one from your side of Lake Victoria, they will be mad. Scratch that. They will literally burn with anger. And you will probably know why my people are known for their hot tempers.
What you will see are the disapproving looks. What you will not hear are the constant talks and phone calls from my aunties and uncles telling me how these inter-tribal/inter-nationality marriages never work. Another new day will bring another new list of excuses why I will suffer at the hands of my foreign in laws and they will never stop. Because in their world, love doesn’t conquer everything.
But in mine it does.
It’s the reason we already got through all the bullshit we have already dealt with right from those days when my biggest fear was you finding out what I did or did not do that time I went partying with that one crew you cannot stand to up to now when our worries are so much bigger.
Like how they could sabotage this by making me believe we are totally incompatible.
Our personalities are too strong. And that is an issue. Or it might be.
You are a leader, the ever in control Scorpio and I am the classic Leo that does not known how to share the spotlight. I am anti-social, insanely introverted and basically I just do not like talking to people unless they belong to the exclusive circle that is my pride. You on the other hand, know how to make friends with everyone everywhere you meet. The idea of socializing and small talk makes sense in your world but never has in mine.
Until I met you.
And I guess if I was ever to pick somebody to forever bitch to about who will be implicated next in the controversial NYS saga I’d still pick you. Because with you, those conversations always had me yearning for more.  Remember how these meaningless chats with you became my favorite thing to do when it turned into you becoming one of the few and avid readers of my blog?
I am insecure. That isn’t anything new.  I have never wanted anyone close to me to read my work but even now you are the only one I trust enough to email my pieces even before I deem them fit for anyone else to read.
You are still also the only person in my immediate circles whose opinion can make me publish or trash a post so my dear I cannot let them take you out of the equation that is my life.
Without you I don’t have an editor. And reader. And life partner.
Besides, I am a very needy individual and I shamelessly admit that I need you around to remind me I am kind and smart and important. To laugh at those memes based on this because where else will I find a guy who reads everything so he’d get the reference I just made?
But more importantly I need you because you do not expect me to go back to a life without you. You know way too much. I can’t have you loitering around with that kind of ammo. It’s either you are living with me or you are not living at all. This isn’t a threat, my dearest. Well it is. A serious one actually. I know you share the same sentiments. Even your best friends do not know some of the information I have about you so we could say our secrets bond us either way.
So why don’t we do this and just piss off a lot of people?
Kabiite wange, I know the first time you asked all I did was cry but I love you.
My answer is yes.

For an angel called L.

To a beautiful girl born on the second day of February- 

Good evening beautiful,
I am still feeling like the 22 successful trips I have made around the sun are way too many but then here you are and you have barely even finished your first. My dear you have such a long way to go. Barely a full day old and yet you are already making headlines. A couple of Instagram collages have been made in your honor. People oceans away from us already knew about your arrival even before you opened your tiny little eyes. You are new. So new. But that certainly does not stop the world from treating you like the being made of flesh and blood you are. Already filling you with expectations and you barely even know what you expect from this life. But child, don’t worry. That is just how we survive here. We work. You are already working. In order to be fed, they expect you to cry. And crying, loud enough so that they reward you with what you want is effort in itself. But my darling that is just the beginning. And the thing is it never stops. Until the day you just as dramatically as you entered this place you leave, you will have to work. It’s the only way to get what you want. And you will want so many things. But the good thing is you will get them. If you work. So be ready to do it. Do it hard. It will pay off. Just like it is already starting to every time you cry and someone is by your side ready to nurse you or change you or just make you comfortable. Because comfort is sacrifice.
But I’d be lying if I told you when you work you will always get what you want. In these streets, some people get what they want by sabotage. They will sabotage your dreams by telling you they are not worth the effort. They will sabotage the steps you make. Sometimes you will not even know it but somewhere out there is somebody praying for your downfall thinking it will make them rise higher. You have got to learn not to give those people your energy. Because even before you complete your first revolution around the sun, they will be waiting praying you will not hit your development milestones in time. Or praying your parents aren’t able to give you the best they can. But my darling, they will only ruin you if you let them. You have got to learn to say no to the nonsense. You have got to learn how to focus on your life and what you are doing. But most importantly baby you have to learn to not add to that noise. Being negative won’t take you further but it will hold you back. Saying a word of encouragement to your fellow humans won’t make you attain your goals any faster but it will certainly move a person in that right direction. And there is no greater joy than seeing someone who deserved it excel and knowing you were a part of that. And when you find a bunch of humans whose success and happiness matters to you more than your own, don’t let them go. Be there for them. Be there with them. Such humans with souls as kind as I hope yours will be are rare gems. Don’t ever let them go. Don’t ever let them go without them knowing how beautiful they have been in your life. 

You are a woman. In training. One day you will be a woman. And this my love will be your greatest gift but your biggest undoing.  You will feel things. You will feel things about people. Your emotions will control you so much you will find yourself catching feelings when you had no intentions to. You will feel these things countless times and find yourself going back to the same emotions time and time again. You will hurt. You will hurt badly. You will hurt badly many times. The males you will encounter have this uncanny ability to make your heart bleed a little too often. The pain they will cause will not make sense. You will hate yourself for going back to the very same situations that cause your world to end time and time again. But baby don’t let them steal your shine. Your love is a gift. Don’t let anyone make you feel stupid for the decision you made to bless them with it. And when you do find a human whose heart marches to the same beat as yours, whose mind speaks the same language yours does, make sure you enjoy that conversation. Let your hearts and minds play, freely. That smile he gives you, do not dare hide it. Do dream about that fairy-tale wedding and perfect children. Dance to that beautiful song that is his love. And if in the end, all he said to you were lies. If it was only an illusion and he simply was not meant to stay, it’s okay to cry. Mourn, because a love that beautiful needs to be recognized as it is leaving. But never for a second regret honoring someone else with that diamond that is your love. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to shine for him, but the one who truly deserves it, will come, don’t you worry. 

But while you wait, learn to forgive. Not for the sake of those who caused you pain. Not only just so you may heal but because mistakes are the inevitable consequence of our inherent imperfection. Forgive others. Even when they hurt you yet they knew better. Even if they keep taking you round the same circles. Forgive yourself. Because my dear one you will mess up. You will mess up badly. You will mess up often. You will literally fuck up so many times and so badly, you will even wonder if you are the same person. Love, there is nothing worse than living in conflict with yourself. Accept your mistakes. Accept your humanness. You are literally all that you have left. Love yourself. Fiercely. No one can give you the world if you do not start giving it to yourself. Learn to look in the mirror and be utterly amazed and in love with that beautiful person looking back at you. You are beautiful but only you can tell yourself this. Your imperfection is the most perfect thing in the universe. 

I don’t know how long you will live but I pray you live long enough to be that alibi my babies use when they just cannot miss that plan in Westie. I pray you live longer. I want you to be there when I tell your babies and grandbabies about how on the day you first debuted in these streets the traffic in this city was so shitty, it made me late to class but your in-law didn’t need to save me a seat next to him because everybody just knew. Most importantly, I pray you live each of these days like you will never see them again. I pray that you will give each and every day the best you possibly can even when you literally have nothing left to offer. I pray that on those days you are defeated, you will still fight even harder to make those moments memorable. 

 
I hope you do learn that the only way to enjoy these limited number of breaths we have is by smiling on your worst days and allowing yourself to laugh so loud you forget how to breathe. I hope you have so many of these moments. But when life makes you shed a tear, I hope that the kind of living you do will have you crying so heavily the tears run dry and you fall to your knees but only so that you get the strength to pick your pretty self up and carry on and go even further. I hope you find God and hold on to him fiercely because only his hand can safely sail you through the storms you are yet to see.

 
Nothing lasts forever beautiful. Not happiness. Not pain. Not even life. Even though I know you will not grace us with your presence in this world forever, I pray that you leave an unforgettable mark in the hearts of those you mean the world to.

Welcome to the planet baby,
I sincerely hope you enjoy your stay. 

Love always,
Megan.
Or as you will come to learn, that tall cousin who is eons away from figuring out this whole life thing.

image from Google

Taking Stock: February 2016

Hey beautiful...

How are you?
Really.
How are you doing?
Are you happy?
How are your relationships?
How is your school/career progressing?
Are you anywhere near where you want to be?

A person of mine asked me this and it definitely did bring me back to a point of self reflection.
Sometimes we get so caught up in living we forget to actually consider how we are truly doing.

As we start this month number 2 of 2016, take time to check on yourself. Life is too short. If anything needs fixing, baby the time to fix it is now.

So anyway here is what I've been up to.
Enjoy :)

Making: Mental plans to come up with ideas for a blog for a school project. Why is writing so hard to do when you are under pressure????

Also I started keeping a journal again. Been doing it for a week but I feel this is one habit I will be glad I picked up. I can feel that healing coming to me already.

Cooking: A fried egg for dinner in the next few minutes.

Drinking: Lots and lots of herbal teas. I'm all about healing and I think relaxing teas at the end of a long day is totally a part of this process.

Reading:  Words from a Wanderer by Alexandra Elle. As mentioned earlier I'm at this point where I am focusing a lot of my energy into positive self healing and this anthology is full of positive affirmations about self that are truly uplifting.
Also just finished Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye. This one is sad. Like honestly is it even normal to imagine a life this miserable????

Playing: Color Switch. This one is cool. Hard and frustrating as fuck but fun.

Wishing: For a tablet. Like somebody hear my prayers and just gift me a nice little Samsung Tablet. I will be eternally grateful.

Enjoying: Something very brand new. And I am so happy.
*insert shy giggles here*

Waiting: To stun in some new skirts from Toi that are just the ones!!!!
Thrift shopping never disappoints.

Loving: February and the bright sunny summery days. The heat is annoying but the sun makes me so happy. Time to make memories :)

Watching:War room..or rather wanting to watch it. I hear it's a good one.

Hoping: That this little brand new thing I am loving lasts. Like never in my life have I wanted something to work out as much as I want this one to.

Marvelling: At my little adorable kittens. I am in love with those little creatures. So so in love.

Wearing: This black skirt that is giving me curves I wish I had. If anyone is asking why I was feeling all super fly today its because I was feeling like a had a Kim K booty. Lol.

Following: This blog which makes my ovaries do ten back flips everytime I open it.
Like is it even normal to have a family this cute. Is it?????

Feeling: PMS. And happy. But peaceful because I am all about those kind of vibes.

Bookmarking: Veon's blog. Because her taking stock posts make me happy.

Have a beautiful month lovelies.
Love and Sunshine.
Megan.❤

Also feel free to drop a comment if you did a Taking stock post too. Would love to read it :))

Meg's Favourite: YA books to read

And we're back!!
Hello?
It's Me....

But this isn't Adele speaking lol.

*snaps back to normal mode again*

So I promised to make this a new series for 2016 and this post was actually meant to go live last week but you know, life and PMS, mostly PMS happened. I am really sorry.

For today's post I thought I'd talk about fiction because I love fiction. I cannot read a non-fiction book to save my life but give me a piece of that fiction and my mind shuts down until that story is properly devoured.
Add young adult fiction to the mix and I become a total zombie.

Yes, feel free, judge all you want but I am that 22 year old who reads books decades below her. Well, one decade to be precise, but still. I really shouldn't be reading this shit. I should be reading the Sydney Sheldon's and Dan Brown's and Sophie Kinsella. John Green should not be one of my favourite authors. I am an adult. I should love being an adult and do adult things. NOT!!

Anyway, here is a list of my ultimate top 5 Young Adult fiction books plus my favourite uber mushy and deep quotes from them :))

1. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.

This book! Dear Lord this book!! I can't even! Like honestly, every time I think about it I start to get emotional. Perhaps because the author did a fantastic job of painting the picture of a little youngin who is just learning how to deal with emotions and being human and basically just life.

This one had me all up in my feelings I even blogged about it here. And it is a masterpiece. A stunning work of art. We've all been that kind of broken and Chbosky reminds us that this situation is never permanent.

"... I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons and maybe we'll never know most of them but even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from we can still choose where we go from there...."

2. Looking for Alaska by John Green
This book is just the SI Unit for BFF goals.  I fell in love with this book because Alaska is that beautiful, unpredictable ball of energy we all wish we had as a best friend growing up. And in a way we all have that one Alaska kind of person in our lives, the one who comes in shakes our world and then leaves and we are left wondering what to do next, Plus the way the author tells the story is a slight twist from the normal first person narration and I think that is really cool.

" ... we need never be hopeless because we can never be irreparably broken."

3. Paper Towns by John Green
John Green is on this list. Again. Because I wish John Green was around when I was thirteen, oh how I wish. So this one for me is a win just because I fell in love with the journey Quentin was on. Like every other book in this genre there are a lot of self discovery moments and the way he uses his words, laaawwd!! This book is about a friendship and an adventure in pursuit of that friendship.

"... I'm in love with cities I've never been to and people I have never met."

4. Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell

This has to be the ultimate teenage love story, well besides the one between one Hazel Grace Lancaster and Augustus Waters of course, Also I think it is the one book which provides encouragement to that awkward girl who has a lot of problems back home that indeed stuff gets better, It actually does. And it did. Spoiler alert... the author failed to give us a happy ending in this one. Which sucks but this one is totally worth the disappointment.

"Holding Eleanor's hand was like holding a butterfly or a heartbeat. Like holding something complete and completely alive and he'd expected her to feel like heaven plus Nirvana plus that scene in Willy Wonka where Charlie starts to fly."

5. The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins

Between watching the movie I'd recommend the books because the books help you understand more about the situation in the wondrous land of Panem that prompted Katniss to step out as tribute setting off the whirlwind of events that followed. I am not big on fantasy fiction but I fell for this one because there is something really captivating in the story. Also Liam Hemsworth. Liam freaking Hemsworth.

*dreamy sigh*

But to enjoy his yumminess you need to watch the movie, Which isn't the worst idea but please read the books first. They will not disappoint.

"It's the things we love most that destroy us."

Till next time, thanks for dropping by. 

Love and sunshine,

Megan :-*

all my images are from Google.